Hi ya’ll! It’s pretty much the end of the academic year here at UW-Madison and the end of my first semester on the air. I’ve tried to create a show that’s fun, but also talks about things that I think are important to discuss. Two organization on the UW-Madison campus have helped me share some of these important topics with you…

Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment (PAVE)

PAVE is a student organization on campus that works to prevent sexual assault, intimate partner violence and stalking by educating students and staff on campus. The students who work for PAVE do an excellent job advocating for other students and educating themselves on issues related to intimate partner violence and what it means to be in a healthy, positive relationship. You can check out their Facebook Page or visit them on Tumblr. Thanks to my PAVE guests who hung out with me for the following shows:

March 12, 2013: Healthy Relationships

April 9, 2013: Sexual Assault Myths

April 23, 2013: Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Sex Out Loud

Sex Out Loud is a peer-educator based sexual health resource for students on the UW-Madison campus. Two of their peer educators came to visit the show and talk about topics related to the work they do. This isn’t just an office that hands out condoms and lube (although their Condom Conduits do that well), they educate students on topics and issues related to sexuality in general. Their motto is ‘don’t yuck anyone’s yum’ and the student’s I’ve met have done an excellent job following through with that phrase. Check out their Facebook Page or visit them at their website. Thanks to my Sex Out Loud guests for their contributions to the following shows:

March 19, 2013: Media, Sex, and Spring Break

April 16, 2013: Porn & James Deen

Thanks for reading and listening! Enjoy:

We’re back this week and we’ve got a special show for you! This week I’ll be in the studio with guests from UW-Madison Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment (PAVE) to talk about healthy relationships and what PAVE has to offer on the UW-Madison campus. We’re going to talk about what it means to have a healthy relationship, how to know if your relationship is healthy or not, and what you can look for in future relationships.

What do you think makes a relationship healthy or unhealthy?

As you probably already know there was no show today. I’m at a conference, but Ill post last weeks show soon!!

Last week we talked about gender, well we complained about how the socialization of gender messes with our lives. I left you with a hint about what I’d be talking about this week and hopefully it was fairly obvious. I mentioned The Birth of a Nation, a film that basically promotes the KKK and talks about how desegregation won’t work. The film paints black men as sexual animals who will rape any white woman they see (maybe similar to views people hold about gay men?) My question is about how this has impacted our perceptions of black men and women now. Why is it that slavery impacts how we view and interact with people of color today? The video above helps paint a picture about how this all started.

Here’s how you can listen:

Listen with iTunes

TuneIn Radio online - TuneIn Radio App for iOS - TuneIn Radio App for Android

Otherwise, head to FeelinTingley.com to listen to the show after we’re done.

Here are some examples I’ll reference in the show:

In case you didn’t get a chance to listen to the show this morning, you can click the link below to listen. I’m also going to expand on some of our thoughts from today so you should listen before you read because there are SPOILERS AHEAD!

Feelin’ Tingley Show 02.05.13 “Gender Bulls***”

Today’s show started out with some conversation about the sex and gender binary and systems of oppression related to gender in general. I wish we would have had more discussion on how the gender binary completely serves to deny anyone who does not fit in as a man or a woman and identity at all – essentially if you don’t identify as a man or a woman, you do not exist as a person of value in our society. The reality is that there is so much to talk about related to gender because it intersects with every single aspect of our lives and in some ways the construction of gender norms holds us all back from being our most true selves. This is what we ended up discussing – our conversation was more about the limitations placed on us by the socialization of our gender and sexuality.

Then we started talking about how homophobia (and internalized homophobia) could be considered a form of sexism when people combine gender roles and sexuality. I have to admit this is a little bit of a sore subject as someone who recently stopped seeing a person who did exactly what we talked about in the show and would call things gay because a man was doing something feminine. For example I own lots of candles because I like candles, apparently that was “a little gay” and likely makes me undesirable to a subset of the gay community. To me this is a marker of a larger issue; a personal issue in which you’re not completely okay with your own gayness and a societal issue where we view men being feminine as undesirable or unmanly. In an upcoming show I’ll talk about some research I’ve done about gay male masculinity and how much of a mind fuck it is for our community.

FINALLY we’ll get to the person referenced in the lovely video at the beginning of this post. I won’t write too much about this because I want you to listen to the excellent things that my guest Kelson had to say about the sexualization of women in the media. FYI Kelson also shares his opinions on the “On Wisconsin” show on 91.7 WSUM. We had a fan write in to the show on our Facebook page and talk about his role as a parent:

As a father of two girls I find it relatively easy for them to access things that are both considered “masculine” and “feminine”. They love princesses and football. They wear Nike hoodies and tiger print tights. I can’t honestly say I’d be as comfortable if I had two boys allowing for the same things. I’d worry too much about the violence directed towards young men who “betray” the gender norms. With my girls I tend to worry more about the over sexualization of even a 7 year olds clothing options.

This brings up an excellent point and one of the multiple layers that needs to be considered when discussing gender. Kelson and I talked about how great it would be if we could allow people (and young people) to express themselves how they want, but we also have to be realistic about the world that we live in and what that world does to people who challenge the safety of gender and sexuality norms.

I think that’s enough for now, I wanted to talk about the San Francisco 49ers gay debacle or the BS in the media about the NFL player who cries, but there was no time. Next week I’ll be talking about intersections of gender and race and how that manifests itself in our society. I’ll be referencing The Birth of a Nation in my conversation so it may be worth clicking the link and reading about it.

The very last thing I would say is that on this particular show and likely on many shows to come, I will point out lots of problems with lots of things including the way I do things. I’m not very good at this, but it is important to recognize that while we live in a system filled with marginalization and oppression there are still good things and good people….and with that…good night.

So if you couldn’t tell by the title, we will be talking about gender this week on the Feelin’ Tingley show. Let’s be real, this entire show could be about gender, but we’re going to start by devoting a week or two to this. Tomorrow we’ll start talking about the sex and gender binary, referencing a post on the Huffington Post called Getting Ready to Rock: Breaking Down the Gender Binary by Catherine Oliver and I’ll be joined by a guest co-host named Kelson to help me discuss this with you!

Hopefully we’ll also get to a few more posts, one by Allison Hope titled A Penis and a Dress: Why the Gender Binary Needs to Go Away and a post about how ‘bisexual’ is problematic by A.J. Walkley: Bi the Bi: Does ‘Bisexual’ Imply That There are Only Two Genders? We’ll talk about how gender is a core part of how we all function in society and whether we know it or not, is problematic for each of us in our daily lives. We’ll talk about the generally accepted idea that there are only men and women in this world and maybe even use GQ and Beyonce as examples of this. We live in a super gendered and hyper sexualized world…so let’s talk about it.

Here’s how you can listen:

Listen with iTunes

TuneIn Radio online - TuneIn Radio App for iOS - TuneIn Radio App for Android

Otherwise, head to FeelinTingley.com to listen to the show after we’re done.

There is SO much to talk about this Tuesday so it should be an interesting show. Here’s a preview of what’s in store…

Many of you have probably heard about the whole Manti Te’o controversy and after watching his interview with Katie Couric I actually feel bad for him. This story fits in so well with what Kathryn and I talked about last week when we talked about online dating. Clearly this guy felt embarrassed for meeting someone online and it blew up in his face because that person was fake and he’s semi-famous. We’ll talk more about this on Tuesday…

Also, there was a recent New York Times article called The End of Courtship? That also ties in well with our conversation last week. The article talks about how the rules of dating are changing because our expectations for relationships are changing and the way we interact with each other is changing. This article clearly inspired some bloggers who have since written post about how true or ridiculous the rules are. We’ll be discussing these on Tuesday.

Don’t forget to send me a message on Facebook or Tweet at me during the show. Here’s how you can listen from anywhere in the world:

Listen with iTunes

TuneIn Radio online - TuneIn Radio App for iOS - TuneIn Radio App for Android

Otherwise, head to FeelinTingley.com to listen to the show after we’re done.

Whew! The first Feelin’ Tingley radio show is over and I think it went pretty well, mostly due to my guest Kathryn. I think we covered some good topics related to online dating, but really only scratched the surface. You might be able to tell after listening, but I could talk about the issues related to gay & lesbian dating sites and how they perpetuate stereotypes  and inaccurate gender roles within society, but we’ll save that for another day.

If you have things you want to add or discuss leave them in the comments below, post on the Feelin’ Tingley Facebook page or get at me on Twitter.

Thanks for listening, tune in next week!

Hello Ya’ll!

On Tuesday, January 22nd at 10:00 a.m. CST the first Feelin’ Tingley show will be live on the air at 91.7FM WSUM in Madison, WI. I’m so excited and I want to share some thoughts about the first topic for the show.

On Tuesday I’ll be talking with the lovely and talented Kathryn McDonald about online dating. We’re going to base our conversation on a recent article from The Atlantic called A Million First Dates by Dan Slater as wells as some followup posts – particularly one by Philip Cohen titled One Possible, Troubling Outcome of Online Dating: More Social Inequality. 

Slater’s article discusses the idea that online dating is ruining monogamy and increasing the likelihood that people will be serial daters and divorcers. The author makes the argument that with the increase in dating options, people are less likely to work things out in their current relationship because they know they can find someone else. A man interviewed for the article says, “I feel like I underwent a fairly radical change thanks to online dating…I went from being someone who thought of finding someone as this monumental challenge, to being much more relaxed and confident about it.” This seems like a positive effect of online dating, but is it really helping people?

This article seems pretty short sighted and heterocentric to me; after all, 3 out of every 5 same-sex relationships are started online. If you’re writing about dating online..why are you leaving out Queer folks?

Kathryn and I have a lot more to say about this on Tuesday. Be sure to check out the show  at 10am CST if you want to listen live. You can stream the show online from the following sources:

Listen with iTunes

TuneIn Radio online - TuneIn Radio App for iOS - TuneIn Radio App for Android

Otherwise, head to FeelinTingley.com to listen to the show after we’re done.

I’ve been doing a lot of research lately on lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) college students for a project in one of my graduate classes. Most of the research has been related to campus climate, identity development and LGBT student experiences. While all of this has been fascinating, I thought it might be interesting to research and talk about another topic that most gay men have experience with–masculinity. There are lots of things to talk about just in this topic, but I’m going to try and stay relatively focused. My goal is to give a brief background for people who don’t have experience with this topic area, discuss some issues facing college-aged men and maybe share some personal experiences.

I think most of us can wrap our heads around the idea that when we’re children and in the developmental years of our life, our parents and other societal factors try to get us to fit into certain gender roles. obviously, everyone’s experiences are different, but I’m willing to bet that in some form, a societal norm has been ingrained into your perception of the world around you. We’ve all seen the stereotypes that men are supposed to live up to, the Marlboro man, Rambo, G.I. Joe and countless other examples of what a man is supposed to be. A stereotypical man has power and control over his life and his emotions. This man does not express feeling nor is he at all feminine. Now if you look at the stereotypes of gay men, we see that they are fairies who cry a lot and are way too in-touch with their emotions. Gay men must have flailing hands and drink brightly-colored drinks. I think for most people reading this, we all know that very few, if any men actually live up to these narrow descriptions of men. However, for a young gay man struggling to find his identity, images and portrayals of men in the world around them (especially gay ones) have an impact on how they deal with their own identity.

We’ll explore a few different ways this struggle manifests itself in gay men’s lives, but I think the most important developmental impact these images have is on the identity development and coming out process. I recently read a research article about non-heterosexual male collegiate identities which simply studied how a group of college graduates of varying ages defined their sexuality in college. The most interesting part of this research was the “parallel” identity description that came out of this researcher’s interviews. Men who identified as parallel basically lead two completely separate lives. One where they were straight members of society, had all straight friends and engaged in “normal” activities. Their other life was their secret, behind the scenes life where they went and engaged in homosexual acts with strangers. One person admitted that he had sex with men in their thirties because having sex with men his age would be too close to his other life. I’ve witnessed these behaviors in the lives of a few men I know. These men lead parallel lives where they create fake email addresses and Facebook profiles to meet other men on personals sites like Craigslist and Manhunt, where they know other gay men socialize. Some of these men are in social settings and professions that are completely accepting of LGBT people, yet they still do not want to identify with homosexuality or disclose their sexual identity.

I’m certainly not implying that coming out would be best for these people, but it often perplexes me how people who are in supportive environments don’t see that they have an open and accepting community of people to confide in. I think the root of this issue is the fact that they do not want to identify with non-heterosexual people because of the perceived social stigma they would have to encounter. For these men, coming out would mean having to identify as that fairy or drag queen. It would mean becoming part of a community that embraces actions and ideas that they themselves may not see as “normal.” For them, and for many gay men struggling with their male identity, to be gay means you cannot be a man. This brings me back to the original idea that were presented with images of what a man is supposed to be and we are constantly struggling to make meaning of our own identities as a reflection of those presented to us.

As a rebuttal to this, people might say that now with the rise of the “metrosexual” men who have dose of femininity in their identity are accepted these days. They might say that we’ve come a long way and that now, men with wide ranges of masculinity are accepted in society. Well, this is true. In some social circles and some situations, these men are accepted, but we still live in a society that predominantly perpetuates a strong, dominant male stereotype. In the gay community, hyper-masculinity or “straight-acting” men seem to be a hot commodity. The gay community as a general group almost do more to perpetuate this dominant male idea than their straight counterparts. Young gay men today are growing up in a community that provides polarizing definitions of what it means to be a gay man. Where these ideas tend to bubble to the surface is in the gay dating world.

Gay men are obviously looking for other men and it seems that in the gay community, the men that young gays are looking for are the hyper masculine examples from society and not necessarily actual gay men. If you’re effeminate or girly, you are not desirable. I’ve noticed this before on my previous college campus in Milwaukee, WI, but not nearly to the extent that the community is at in Mankato, MN where I’m currently studying. This campus offers an amazing environment for LGBT students to thrive in and many students take advantage of what this campus has to offer. After getting my feet wet in the community, I’ve noticed that there is a culture divide in this slightly-suburban Minnesotan town. To explain it simply, the culture seems to be the closets versus the drag queens, those are your only options as a gay man in Mankato. For the students who are out and active on campus, there is an intense amount of pride, but for the students who aren’t, there is an intense amount of animosity towards the out students. In my few conversations with closeted men in Mankato, they have distinctly described their dislike of and disassociation with “the gays in kato.” These men clearly do not want to identify with the out population in Mankato, so the do not come out; a few of these men have even asked something to the effect of “do you know the other gays around here,” as if it was a litmus test of my own masculinity. I often wonder where these men get their ideas about what is attractive and who they see themselves spending their life with.

If you look at the gay pornography world, some of the most successful business are ones that claim to have “gay for pay” actors who are masculine, straight men performing gay acts. Doesn’t that seem a little self-defeating? Think about it, we’re idolizing men who are completely and utterly unattainable straight men. Now, most men watching these videos probably know that these men aren’t really straight, but it is their fantasy nonetheless and this is the message the gay community is sending to young gay men. I recently read another research article that investigated the dating site, Straight-Acting.com and how men using the site discuss their segment of the gay community. Basically, the researcher found that commenters on the site were attempting to reinforce their masculinity through overtly homophobic, sexist and anti-feminist statements. Again, this “straight-acting” idea that is so prevalent in the gay community is an unrealistic standard to live up to or idolize. Even though there are men who exhibit traits that are more commonly attributed to straight men, they aren’t straight acting, they are simply acting like themselves.

More recently, a few researchers have started making connections between gay male’s hyper-masculine behavior/desire and negative feelings about their own masculinity. According to these researchers, their study “showed that the degree to which [research subjects] valued masculinity and were concerned with violating masculine ideals was positively related with negative feelings about being gay. These findings highlight the importance of exploring the role that masculine ideals play in gay [men's] lives given that negative feelings about oneself can adversely affect psychological well-being.” Yet again, this all come back to the fact that the gender roles and ideas of masculinity we’re pressured to conform to are having a negative impact on our psychological well-being.

For myself and many of my friends, this has been a right of passage into become a positive gay role model and well-adjusted member of the LGBT community; I personally don’t believe that I’m completely there yet. I think that for many young men who are still struggling with their identity and may have negative attitudes toward more stereotypical gay men, this is a hurdle they must overcome. I know that for myself and other people I was around in my early years of college, we were chasing this ideal gay man who acted like straight men; maybe he was in the military, was on the swimming team or acted like a bro at basement parties. Eventually, when becoming more comfortable with ourselves, we realized that these men were closeted gay men struggling with their identities and the ideal straight-acting mad did not exist. I think we understood after time and experience that it was important to find men on our same level who are comfortable in their own skin, regardless of what stereotype they do or do not fit.

I know this may seem like an afterthought in a seemingly critical diatribe, but it is important to realize that none of us are perfect. I still find myself buying into stereotypes and degrading peers who align more with stereotypical gay men even though I myself appreciate a nice unicorn or a fresh baked brie once in a while. It is important to recognize that everyone is at their own place in their life and each person has their own journey and it’s not anyone’s place to force young men into a world they aren’t ready for. Even though we aren’t perfect, we can still be cognizant of these issues and be advocates for those who need support.